Narcissism. If you are anything like me, you have heard this word quite a lot in the last couple decades. What does the world generally think about narcissism? Here is a handy link, because this is not my focus here. Additionally, I have read a book in the last couple years by M. Scott Peck which really drove home more of what narcissism really is. (Although, I have to say, Peck does dabble in more New Age ideas in his other books, so as always: use discernment.)
Even reading the title of this book, you might be reminded of scripture:
This is Yeshua speaking to the pharisaical Jews who often intentionally asked Him questions to entrap Him and give them a reason to kill Him, socially or physically. Narcissists tend to do this very thing.
The following is a great two-part presentation on the biblical understanding of the concept of “narcissism”:
The comparison of narcissists and pharisees is outlined in this presentation. This teaching is largely based on the book The First Will Be Last: A Biblical Perspective on Narcissism by DC Robertsson.
I would highly recommend any member of the community who does not want wolves or goats in their flock to review this material and be boldly intentional in identifying and taking steps to correct anyone partaking in this behavior. And more: to remove them if such a person is unable to repent or to desist in such behavior since even short periods of being around these kinds of people will cause strife and division.
Two extra-biblical but relevant books advise the same:
What YHWH divides is rightly divided. What man divides is often relationships through strife and selfish goals.
Instead, we are called to make peace. But this is not the same as keeping the peace. See more in the clip below:
An accuser has a tendency to place all involved into what the field of psychology refers to as the “victim – villain/ abuser/ persecutor – rescuer/ savior drama role triad”. Do not allow this by not allowing them to label you or goad you into the relevant actions. Accomplishing this allows them to divide and conquer, as well as avoid responsibility and accountability. See the following video for more understanding:
So how do you deal with narcissists…or their emissaries (often referred to as “flying monkeys”, something that many connect to the villain’s henchmen in the movie The Wizard of Oz) that will often speak for them? Here is a handy video, which I provide 8 key takeaways and a small summary for below it.
Here are eight tips, based on this video:
1
Do not give more power and voice to the accuser over the victims. It is easy to fall prey to this because narcissistic accusers will wrongly blame you of not doing things rightly and insodoing, will confuse you and cause you to defend yourself instead of the truth. But…it is not right to prioritize your own reputation over that of protecting a victim or accused. The accused are often meek, humble, quiet, and accepting. They need you to speak for them if their voice is quenched. The truth should be the highest priority, not the reputation of anyone involved.
2
If someone is being a bully or overstepping bounds it should be pointed out and corrected. True brothers and sisters are not accusatory but correcting (in love). Painting someone as a villain while also calling them a brother is false witness: pick one.
3
Respond – don’t react (the latter is triggered by emotions; the former, pre-meditated actions preferably based in the Word). The narcissist or flying monkey has control if you react – this is why it seemed Yeshua did not always directly address a question posed by the Pharisees. He did not react. He understood what was really being asked and responded to that. Even when he removed the moneychangers from the temple, he did not act abruptly; he went to make a whip then came back to remove them. He was intentional in his response to a situation, not reactive.
4
Keep your integrity (polite and respectful but assertive – remember: you are making not keeping peace); maintaining your commitment and conviction of the Truth. Don’t fear their rejection or the potential rejection of those they speak to.
5
Those that intentionally cause discord actually feed off of the distress, frustration, and defense of victims and they may actually know and concede to the truth themselves. But the goal for them is not truth, but the power and control they have in the situation. Their goal is to have admission of any and all wrong and eradication of voice by those they deal with (at least those that they’re not currying favor from). Again, be consistent, calm, and insistent in your stance. They will leap from one thing to another and probably contradict themselves to achieve their goal. You can empathize, but their problem is not your problem.
6
They may personally attack you instead, but any issues with another that doesn’t address the current situation should be tabled for a separate meeting and discussion.
7
Do not allow fishing for information to be used against others, for twisting and using for their own interest. Instead ask questions: Why do you need to know what I think? Why do you care what I think? What do you want me to say? Why would I do that? Is that how you see me? Sharing in a vulnerable way will be used against you (they will often act as observer – often the only one not truly being vulnerable).
8
Lastly, keep your integrity by maintaining your boundaries, maintaining the boundaries of others, and don’t forget the whole of your understanding of this person.
Bottom line, these are really important character traits to be aware of – and work on correcting – in yourself and in those you intentionally decide to be around. And during some periods of time in your life, you may not be able to get away from those who adopt them (no matter what they call themselves). In the Bible (e.g. Psalm 35), King David speaks of narcissists of his time that spoke against him without cause. In reading about his pain, but also his trust in a faithful Elohim, may it help us to see we are not alone in our suffering.
Hello there! This post couldn’t be written any better!
Going through this post reminds me of my previous roommate!
He always kept preaching about this. I am going to forward this information to him.
Pretty sure he’ll have a very good read. Thank you for sharing!
You’re welcome! I pray it helps and encourages all who read it.